Anonymous Honesty

So I just logged on Facebook, and went to post something funny on a friends wall. I came to find I was removed. I looked at a couple other friends in the same group, and I was removed from another friend as well. These people are friends with the person that I hurt, that prompted me to start this page. They’re people I grew up with, went to school with, and hung out with a lot up until recently. They’re distant friends, we all see each other often, and in some cases even vacationed together.

I had touched on this topic earlier, and I’m still not sure I’m ready to give it away. This is the friend I didn’t know I was hurting at the time, and I’m still not sure what I did was wrong, for many reasons. All I know is that the person IS upset by me, and that, I feel bad about. 

They took the incident and blew it way out of proportion. They told all my closest friends, and now literally none of them talk to me. To me, is isn’t fair, because of all the mistakes I’ve made, I knew when most of them were wrong, but I did them anyways. This could potentially be the worst thing I’ve done, and I didn’t even know it until a month later…by then, everyone had heard his version of the story, which blatantly wasn’t true. It makes me out to be far worse than what I’d ever want to be. I’m suffering more for this honest mistake then anything else I’ve ever done. I’ve never told anyone what I did…and I’m not sure I can. I want to talk with the whole group of people and make it all clear. I’ve apologized to the person I hurt, and they lied to my face about the most important parts of the story. We argued about it for a bit, passively, and then decided to agree to disagree. At the time I though I felt better, my friend had heard me out, they knew how bad I felt…there was nothing more I thought I could do. 

Well now I know I’m wrong…but I can’t decide what to do. I can either let it go, tell myself my friend has suffered enough, I’ll just let the rumors ruin my friendships and reputation. Or I can talk to everyone about it, confront my friend on the lies, prove them wrong about all the contradictions in their story, and absolve myself of guilt after it’s been determined I didn’t do anything wrong. Either way, I don’t think my friendships can ever be salvaged. At this point I feel incredibly alone…I’m not suicidal (at all) but I’m losing focus of the point of this life. 

After letting my best friend down with the issue with his girlfriend…I vowed to start making better decisions. I had lost someone that meant so much to me, and I could never let it happen again. Now between what I did or didn’t do to my other friend, and their lies…I’m losing everyone in my normal, face to face life. All the people I’ve stayed up late with, told all my stories to, and shared some of my deepest secrets with. My friends I’ve known the longest. I need to tell this story to someone tonight, I have a person in mind. They’re strong minded, wise beyond their years, and I feel we have a lot in common despite the fact I don’t know them as well as I’d like. 

If you’re willing to take on the responsibility of giving me advice in the worst situation I think I’ve ever been in…please send me a message. But please be open minded, I’ll tell you the truth behind the story, not just the parts that are easy for me to tell. I don’t think its smart to post the story publicly…but I need to decide what to do about this. Its eating me alive, leaving me zombie-like to those around me.

Someone help.

jds78 asked: Hi!

I just want to ask if you and I have spoken/communicated before? I sent a DM through Twitter last night asking the same thing, but this seems to be your comfort zone so i thought it would be better to ask here. I don't want to know anything else besides that. After reading your posts I've learned enough to know I like you and whatever else I need to know I will learn along the way. I hadn't heard or seen anything about you before and was a little surprised to receive a Follower request. Not in a bad way, just slightly puzzled, intrigued, and maybe even a little complimented after reading your blog. I don't need a long or detailed explanation...a "yes" or "no" will suffice.

I would be lying if I said I wasn't curious how you came across me since I have no ties to the vast majority of the people you follow nor do I have any idea what a lot of them are talking about. Obviously we all have a mutual respect and appreciation for JM and I know the little gang I tag along with refers to themselves as a "JM Fam", but I never realized there were so many different JM Families. It's almost like the Mafia. :) I did ask a friend who is a little more Twitter/Tumblr savvy if she had heard anything about you and she said no. I guess I peaked her interest and now she's following along too. :) Hopefully this is OK. I asked her because I trust her and I knew she wouldn't start acting like a fool. A lot of folks take these kinds of situations coupled with their conspiracy theories and run like hell with them...i'm sure you know about that to a point. I didn't want that to happen.

I have no reason not to trust you, so I will give you a "base" of trust until you give me a reason not to which I don't foresee happening. I hope to build on this foundation. It is nice to have somewhere and someone interested in not only the good, but the bad that exists in all of us. I'm planning on observing for a bit and then I will start sharing/confessing my thoughts, mistakes, and various other skeletons in my closet as I feel the need. I'm sure I will mostly post anonymously, but I may occasionally fess up and keep the avatar of my three year-old self in plain view. I like the baby picture and the caption. That is pretty much the same reason(s) why I decided to use a picture of myself as a toddler. No wrongdoings or mistakes, just happy. A clean slate. I would prefer for my posts, unless i'm simply known as "Anonymous", and your responses be kept private if that is OK with you. I just like small audiences most of the time. :)

I'm going to wrap this up, but I did want to comment on the post about you and your friend's girlfriend. Dude, that's the kind of chick that gives us all a bad name. That was a bitch-move on her behalf. Not saying you were right, but human nature unfortunately tempts us (especially the male species) to push the limits and see how far we "could" or "can" go. I've been hit on numerous times by friends of guys I was dating and knew every time it was all about seeing how far I would let them go and it had nothing to do with me being a great girl. It was strictly a game and I knew that as i'm sure she did, however I've always tried to get out of the situation as fast as I could because there is nothing good that can come of it. I have NEVER told any guy I was dating when those things happened because the only reason for sharing that kind of thing would be for self-gratification at the expense of someone's feelings and/or friendships. Totally uncool. I've received more than one awkward apology and/or explanation days, weeks, or even months later and every time it ended the same way "No harm done, it's forgotten, but don't let it happen again." It's that simple. No need to be destructive for the sake of an ego boost or a blow to the ego. It's not worth it especially in this type of situation where there was much ado about nothing. It caused way more harm than good and while she may have felt victorious at the time i'm sure she ended up hurting herself in the end as well as your friend who was an innocent party in the scenario. It's OK to fight, but fight fair. Your friend's girl sounds like a punk. I hope she was at least really hot. :)

TTYL

Thank you for taking the time to send a real honest message. Also, thank you for trusting me not to let you down. 

Regardless of how guilty the girlfriend was in that situation, I can only take responsibility for my own actions, and the way I handled the situation was dishonest, and I’d never find it acceptable for one of my friends to have that conversation with a girl I was dating. The way I saw it, I was completely in the wrong, and I told my friend that when I apologized. We’re still working things out…

I hope to hear from you soon! Thanks again.

dawnshiver asked: Since you didn't follow me first, I will assume you don't know me. I don't know who you are and don't really care about your identity if the anonymous piece of this makes it easier for you to be yourself. We are all guilty of doing stupid things and hurting people in ways we are to ashamed to talk about even to our closest friends. This is a good way to get some of that guilt off your chest without being judged and hopefully helping some other people heal their own wounds in the process. I hope you find the peace you are looking for.

Thank you so much, I’m glad you can see why this is helpful to me. :)

dreams2remember asked: Clearly, you've got a kind heart that extends well beyond your guilt and shame. Or that's my gut feeling after reading some of your earlier posts. I want to make you a meal and give you a hug. Or something?! That won't do shit for you, I know.

Everyone f's up--a lot. Man, I can tell some stories... I have a good heart, and I know that I'm well-intentioned most of the time, but still, I've made my share of doozy mistakes. Some people forgave, some...not at all. And those are the people that I focused on, just hoping that if they heard me out, they'd understand and forgive. For me, there's absolutely nothing worse than knowing I've hurt someone beyond repair. It's the worst feeling in the world. I can identify with a lot of what you wrote, as I have punished myself for a long time with guilt and criticism (all stemming from guilt, shame, perfectionism) but I'm learning that there is a set point where it's counterproductive to feel so badly about past events. It becomes a positive feedback loop of bad.

I'm not here to preach to you, I hope it doesn't come off as such because that's just annoying! I'm still figuring all of it out, too. This is just a rambling attempt to tell you that I absolutely get the need to be heard, understood, and hopefully, ultimately forgiven, by those loved ones we've hurt and let down. I hope that you don't let it consume the good in you. My guess is that there's a lot there. If you were indeed an asshole, I doubt you'd give a flying fuck about guilt or forgiveness.

Are we supposed to post anonymously?

So far this has been helping, I’ve gotten great advice publicly and privately…and I’m glad I’ve been able to help some other people too. I see what you mean by the guilt becoming exponential after a while, just feeding itself…I think thats the pattern I was in before I started this page. As long as good people continue to come to me, I think I’ll maintain the account, even if its served its initial purpose of lightening my load. If its helped me, it can help others.

You can post publicly or anonymously. I can respond to you privately or post your questions, just let me know.

I also think by helping others, its helping me. I’m starting to feel like I’m catching up with Karma a bit. So far I love what this page is doing, and where its headed. Odds are I’ll remain anonymous forever, but you never know. :)

dreams2remember asked: My favorite story of his as well. I came across it at such a bad place in my life, quite accidentally, but it was so moving for me that I started going to see him live. Concurrently came across some great, kind JM fans online and grew close to them--and they all see the genuine fumbly human things about John (like that story) that I do, in addition to loving his music. I'm meeting a bunch of them in West Palm Beach in a few weeks to see his last summer concert :) Like @DoobieJenkins said, "I came to Twitter because of johncmayer. I stayed because of the friends I made." Good night :)

When I discovered there were others like me, who related to his music so much they wanted to scream it from mountain tops, I finally felt a sense of belonging. I love my JM fam. 

dreams2remember asked: "...Maybe we can get through this life together." Just wanted to let you know that I love that! No questions for you. I read through your writing, and I like you already. :) Take care.

Thank you! Thats my favorite story I’ve ever heard him tell…

kalimadevi asked: BTW, I'm not sure who this mystery person is who "claims" a bunch of girls attacked her, but I'm going to have to call bullshit on that story. Especially since I know a lot of the background on things that have happened over the past year or so. So if this is the reason you're following us, somebody needs a coloring book, and a hobby, and fast.

I don't pick on anyone, and furthermore I don't need to lie about picking on someone, or lie about someone picking on me, to get attention. I'm a grown assed woman, I don't have time for that nonsense. I also don't appreciate that one person in particular did accuse quite a few girls of attacking her, myself included, and I didn't know the chick from a hole in the wall.

You will find that while some of the folks online are seemingly sweet, they're only showing you one side. They're not showing you the manipulative, conniving side... or the delusional side for that matter. So like I said, you can believe whatever you want to believe. But I'll put it to you like this: If I owed someone an apology, then they've already received that apology and received it directly FROM me and not hiding behind a fake profile either. And if I don't owe someone an apology, they can kick rocks. And again... it's funny to me that a lot of the shit talking happens online, but when you get a person face to face, all of the sudden their tune changes real fast.

Yea…I don’t have any background on the story at all except what I was told, and even then there were no names of anyone who should feel guilty. However, the person sending me the message (whom I still am unaware of their identity) sent me a follow up message saying that they apologized and made amends. I think thats great. I also believe what you say about how you’re up to date on your apologies, which is probably why I followed you in the first place. Your advice tends to be solid, and I always take it into consideration. Thanks again, and again.

kalimadevi asked: If you consider me a friend then why are you hiding behind an anonymous profile?

Because your answer could vary depending on who I am. And by “your” I mean that in a general sense of anybody…

Anonymous asked: This is my 'guilty confession.' I know with every breath of my being that there is so much life has to offer. So much passion and beauty in all things, but especially in love. I feel like I am constantly chasing and yearning for that feeling (not just receiving but also giving.) I am so very thankful for all that I have in life, but I feel guilty for wanting so much more. My guilty thoughts seem to always creep up on me and whisper, "you know there's more, right?" I worry I'm not ever going to be satisfied. We only have this (one) life and I want to fill it with every little bit it has to offer. How do I keep the fire burning and balance my feelings of guilt with wanting more?

As Mr. Mayer says, its only fun while you’re trying to catch it, so once you have it, throw it back. I’m not sure how that could be conducive to your life situation/goals…but John also tends to be severely full of shit….18 out of 24 hours.

Anonymous asked: Have you ever been scared that love (with one person) is not eternal?

The older I get, the less I believe in soul mates, true love etc. Most people don’t end up with their first choice anyways, says Willie Nelson. It doesn’t scare me, the more people I meet the more I learn…so I’d like to do a great deal more dating before I start considering eternal love.